Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
