my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
