I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
