You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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