turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
