Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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