my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
