I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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