So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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