I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
