He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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