How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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