I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
