The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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