don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
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