I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
