I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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