i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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