I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
