my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
