.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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