He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
