Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
