omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
