cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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