I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
