A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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