if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
