If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
