I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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