weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
