just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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