I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
