my phone needs a breathalizer
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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