A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
