Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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