A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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