dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
