In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
