Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
