I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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