I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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