And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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