I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
