new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
