I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
