Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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