They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
