dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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