Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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