the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I looked at my own cervix.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
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