I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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