he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
