I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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