Plan B is the new Plan A
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
