Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
