Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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