I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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